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Thankswhat?

Okay internet friends, I'm sure most of you know by now that thanksgiving holiday is nearly upon us. Like a beast from the depths it rises up, consuming the wooden ships of our pocketbooks. Like the great Krakken, it's tentacles of turkey en-wrap my innards with their tasty goodness. The great white mash potato shark eagerly gulps down the last remaining survivors of my will power. I am once again looking forward to being nearly crushed under my own massive weight after another feeding frenzy.

It's at this point that I'd like to make the announcment that I am starting a new holiday to compete with this yearly juggernaut of gravy and meat. I am calling it "Thankstaking." If you read that quickly it looks kind of like thanks stalking, which we'll get to later. I'm tired of the endless parade of people sucking up to each other, thanking each other for each menial deed done over the course of the year. If there's one thing I hate, it's a brown noser. Whenever someone thanks me for something on thanksgiving, my first thought is, "okay, what do you want." Usually they demand thanks from me in return. Well fat chance. What has humanity ever done for me? I'm short, fat, and whenever I go out with my wife everyone assumes it's either a "mercy date" or we're "best friends." Thanks but NO THANKS humanity. No one here deserves my thanks. Not ever. None of you have done anything for me. And THAT my friends, is the spirit in which thankstaking will be celebrated.

Here's how it works. Pick out anyone you know and go up to the shouting, "YOUR WELCOME FOR ALL OF THE AWESOME STUFF I'VE DONE FOR YOU THIS YEAR NOW LET ME SHOW YOU MY GRATITUDE FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU'VE DONE FOR ME!!!" Then rush the food table and knock it over screaming meat is murder, save the carrots and potatos!

Actually, that's a stupid idea. I apologize to whoever read this far. Really, thank you to all two of you who read this for the nice things you've said and done for me this year. Here's to another year of you all doing the same thing ;)

In other news, Johanna Forster is marrying John Conser. Johan Santana was named the NL cy young winner. John Knox is my favorite preacher. Coincidence? I don't think so.

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