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The 10 Habits of Happy Couples

Psychology Today, in all their arrogance, has posted a roadmap to success for couples in search of a happy relationship. You can find the article here. Let's just pick through this real quick.

Here's a gem! "Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps." Combine this with the super creepy ad for sleep number beds where they pretty much tell you to go ahead and come home drunk at 3 in the morning because your partner won't be disturbed by your fat butt rolling into bed on a sleep number matress, and you've got a recipe for disaster.  Now, I actually tried this.  It did not work.  Janelle was way more pissed off at 3 in the morning when she was roused by my profanity laced tirade during Xbox live play time.  So, unless the thing you're planning on waking back up and doing is walking over rice paper on a bed of down feathers, be prepared for the consequenses.

"Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work.  Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected)."  Well, I tried this as well.  My groin still hurts from where I was punched.  I wrote to psychology today to tell them how full of crap they were.  They responded that I shouldn't have tried jumping out from behind the door and disrobing my wife while shouting, "I'M GOING TO MAKE MEMORIES ON YOUR SKIN!"  You win this round psychology today.

"Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel."  Psychology Today FAILS to mention that saying this should never be followed up with, "you evil soul sucking harpie."  Idiots.  I followed up my diatribe on why men were better at sports than women with, "Good night."  The next morning, I awoke to find that my wife had somehow found a way to make the LCD readout on my alarm clock flash, "you're a jerk."  Great advice.

I have written my own steps for happy couples.  Here they are:

1.  Don't do anything bad or say anything mean or disrespectful to each other.  Ever.

Boom, there you go.  Email me your success stories.

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